“Stop it!”, “No you can’t!”, “Don’t do that!”. These admonitions from our past echo loudly when we hear ourselves saying them to our children. We know there is a better way, but none of us is good at it all the time, and saying no—setting limitations—is an inevitable part of parenthood.
The better way involves attending to your children’s need and feelings, and making sure they’re being heard while still standing your ground. Reed describes her own learning curve: “I was a single parent for ten years. The first four, when I’d come home from work, it was like being attacked by two Doberman pinschers: ‘Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,” I’d be so frazzled, I’d just react. It got so I hated going home. I finally realized I had to have some time for myself. So I made new rules. I told them calmly one night. When I get home, you don’t ask me for anything for thirty minutes, after that, you can have thirty minutes of me or more. It gave me the freedom to choose. Maybe I’d read, or have a glass of iced tea; sometimes I’d be full of energy and clean the house. Whatever my need or mood, I could follow it. And I was much more prepared to be nice because I had some control.
