Mind set: Of thank you and sorry (3 of 3)

The word loses its impact when we refrain from acknowledging our offence (“Sorry for whatever I may have done”) or throw in a self-serving conditionality (“I am sorry if you were hurt”). If the purpose of an apology is only to say, “While I don’t think I was wrong, I will apologize because you say so”, it is best not to offer one, for, the worst we can do is to insult someone’s sensitivity or intelligence by such treatment.

Bestowed with the power to effect reconciliation and mend strained relationships, an apology must involve acknowledging the offense adequately, expressing genuine remorse and offering appropriate reparations, including a commitment to make changes. “A stiff apology is a second insult,” said novelist and poet G K Chesterton. “The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt.”

The rewards of an apology can only be earned, not embezzled. With everybody from convicts to public figures seeking its refuge, “sorry” is not a quick fix for things gone awry, but the starting point of restoring order. The use of this word must be backed by sincerity of intention. “Never ruin an apology with an excuse,” advises American poet Kimberly Johnson. Seldom does an apology sensitize us to the responsibility of not repeating the same mistake.

A sincere apology helps both parties achieve greater harmony: While the individual making an apology is disencumbered of guilt, shame and fear of retaliation, the one who accepts an apology heals his own humiliations and grudges, rids his mind of the painful preoccupations of revenge and generates forgiveness to bring about greater peace in his own life and in the lives of others around him.

Expressing gratitude and apology without necessarily being grateful or remorseful people is an exercise in futility. Shallow expressions of gratitude and apology are not emotionally evocative and end up producing the contrary result. Often, they are so disengaged and superficial that they fail to motivate altruistic action and positivity. What matter most here is honesty, generosity, humility, commitment, courage and sacrifice, for these qualities define our true dignity.  - The Times of India

(Harsh Kabra is an alternative therapist and a writer based in Pune)

Mind set: Of thank you and sorry (1 of 3)

Good morning friends.  In our daily life, we don’t know what will happen.  But when something good or bad happened, we surely know what to reply on that.  A thank you and a sorry, that is the perfect word to be told for the comfort of one.  When someone did something good to you, it’s a music to the ears when you hear the word thank you.  And when you done bad to someone, the bad feeling of that person will all be gone when he hears a sorry of that person. 

Thank you and sorry are perhaps the first words we learn. And they stay with us right through our lives as yardsticks of our civility.

But when was the last time we said “thank you” or “sorry” without meaning to simply offload our burden of obligation or guilt? Indeed, these words no longer express what they are supposed to. Instead, they are used flippantly, thrown around without care, often reduced to an easy way of getting off the hook and evading meaningful action.

They may well be the most used words in times of political correctness. But they are clearly the most abused as well. The emotions of gratitude and apology are vital to the chain of human reciprocity. But in stripping them of sincerity, we also seem to be closing the doors on their benefits for us.

In almost all religious traditions, gratitude is a manifestation of virtuous character. “Gratitude, as it were, is the moral memory of mankind,” wrote sociologist Georg Simmel. Scottish philosopher Thomas Brown defined gratitude as “that delightful emotion of love to him who has conferred kindness on us, the very feeling of which is itself no small part of the benefit conferred”. German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote: “In ordinary life, we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.”

The quality of being thankful implies the disposition to turn goodwill into action and the inclination to return kindness. A “thank you” denotes the attitude of positive acceptance, a determination to employ the kindness or blessing imaginatively and inventively.

What to do when guilt attacks?

Good morning friends.  Have you every feel any guilt before in your life?  It’s not a good feelings…..right?  Sometimes we do things which we should not intend to do, that’s why after wards we feel unhappy for that and sometime we feel guilty.  Let me share one article which I have read.  It’s a good one. 

Guilt is generally a good thing.  It keeps our impulses in check, inspires us to protect our families and communities, and helps us learn from mistakes.  Unfortunately, it can also fuel depression and anxiety, or overwhelm accident survivors and war veterans.  If left to fester, bad guilt can literally ruin a person’s life.

So how do you know if you’re suffering from good or bad guilt?  And what can you do about it?  There are five-step path to guilt freedom.

1.    Recognize that guilt is normal.  You’ll hear people say, “if only I had done this, I could have made a difference.”  This is the prefrontal cortex—the guilt center of the brain, which is responsible planning, forethought, judgment, and impulse control—trying to make sense of the situation.  The average criminal’s prefrontal cortex tends to be relatively quiet, but the area is overactive in people who tend to worry or who are racked with guilt.

2.    Identify the type of guilt.  If it’s helpful guilt, take the message seriously: “Yes, I should stop smoking.” If it’s destructive (why did I live when others were killed?), seek professional help.

3.    Understand the triggers.  When guilt’s nipping at your heels, write down exactly what you’re thinking.  Are your thoughts rational, or are they just shredding your insides like a salami slicer?  Putting your thoughts to paper will help you see the situation more objectively.

4.    Make amends.  If your guilt stems from having hurt someone, take action.  Apologize, write a letter, or offer to help that person in some way.

5.    Forgive yourself.  This is key.  When you can say, “I did the best I could,” or “I can learn from this experience,” guilt is on its way out. – Daniel G Amen. M.D

 

What to Do When Guilt Attacks?

Guilt is generally a good thing.  It keeps our impulses in check, inspires us to protedct our families and communities, and helps us learn from mistakes.  Unfortunately, it can also fuel depression and anxiety, or overwhelm accident survivors and war veterans.  If left to fester, bad guilt can literally ruin a person’s life.

So how do you know if you’re suffering from good or bad guilt?  And what can you do about it?  There are five-step path to guilt freedom.

1.    Recognize that guilt is normal.  You’ll hear people say, “if only I had done this, I could have made a difference.”  This is the prefrontal cortex—the guilt center of the brain, which is responsible planning, forethought, judgment, and impulse control—trying to make sense of the situation.  The average criminal’s prefrontal cortex tends to be relatively quiet, but the area is overactive in people who tend to worry or who are racked with guilt.

2.    Identify the type of guilt.  If it’s helpful guilt, take the message seriously: “Yes, I should stop smoking.” If it’s destructive (why did I live when others were killed?), seek professional help.

3.    Understand the triggers.  When guilt’s nipping at your heels, write down exactly what you’re thinking.  Are your thoughts rational, or are they just shredding your insides like a salami slicer?  Putting your thoughts to paper will help you see the situation more objectively.

4.    Make amends.  If your guilt stems from having hurt someone, take action.  Apologize, write a letter, or offer to help that person in some way.

5.    Forgive yourself.  This is key.  When you can say, “I did the best I could,” or “I can learn from this experience,” guilt is on its way out. – Daniel G Amen. M.D

Ways to Lift Your Spirits – 1

Good morning friends.  Here’s a story whose message I like:  A pet store delivery truck was making its rounds.  At every traffic light the driver would stop, leap out of the truck with a two-by-four and bang on the side of the vehicle.  The curious driver of a car behind the truck called out.  “What are you doing?”  The truck driver replied. “Well, I’ve got two tons of canaries inside this one-ton truck, so I have to keep half of them in the air at all times!”

Most people can relate to that truck driver.  Overloaded, stressed, frantic, yet weary-and headed for emotional burnout unless things change.  But you know what?  They can.  The answer is learning how to lighten up, and here are three stps you can take to make that happen.

Read your Soul.  Many of us overlook the need for rest-not for out bodies but for our souls, which is a much deeper kind of relaxation.  Spiritual fatigue is the result of trying to live without God.  The resentment and guilt.  Neither sleep, nor working out, nor a day off from work will rid you of these draining emotions.  Such fatigue requires a spiritual recharging.  The Bible says, “He energizes those who get tired.”  Only God can restore your soul.

Give Up Control.  People get over loaded because they try to control the uncontrollable.  The greater your need to micromanage things, the more stressed you’re going to be.  Jesus said, “Take my yoke upon you.”  Jesus was talking about a wooden frame that joins two cattle in their task.  Every farmer knows the purpose of a yoke is to lighten the load by sharing it between two animals.  When you yoke up with God.  He lightens your load by sharing it with you.  By the way, God’s back is stronger than yours!

Move On From Outmoded Guilt

Yes, your mother probably did make you feel guilty when you didn’t do what she wanted.  And, undoubtedly, you were told that  if everyone did her part, the world would be a better place.  But forget the guilt.  Helping out a loved one, colleague, or cause isn’t going to work for anyone if it makes you miserable.

My friend Elizabeth is the mother of three kids under the age of 6 and an active community volunteer.  Recently she turned  down intense pressure :”you’d be perfect for the job”) to head up a school organization.  “It was a Big No for me,”  she says.  “There’s so much that needs to get done.  How could I love my children and not work to better our schools?  But I already put up my life in chaos.  I was shortchanging my family and myself.  I just told them, I want more control over my life.  I need to do what I’m doing well, without taking on anything new.  I’m tapped out.  You’ll have to find somebody else.

As soon as she recognized her own purpose-she could articulate no in a steady, unapologetic manner.